The Goddess Gainer Shake:

Base: Two full pints of heavy cream. Not milk. Not half-and-half. Heavy cream. 160 calories per serving, and you're using eight servings. That's 1,280 calories before we even start, piggy. Protein: Six scoops of weight gainer powder—the kind bodybuilders use to bulk, except you're using it to ruin yourself. Chocolate flavor, so you can pretend you're enjoying a treat while you're actually destroying your physique. Fats: One entire jar of peanut butter. Not a spoonful. The whole f*cking jar. 3,000 calories of sticky, clinging fat that will settle right on your hips and that pathetic belly. Carbs: Two cups of oats, dry. They're going to expand in your gut like sponges, stretching you out, making you waddle. Sugar: One can of sweetened condensed milk. Pure liquid sugar. 1,300 calories of diabetic nightmare. The Special Ingredient: A liter of soda—the fizziest you can find. Because once this carbonation h*ts that cream and those oats ..... your stomach is going to bloat up like a f*cking balloon. You'll look pregnant. No—you'll look like the gluttonous hog you are.

Blend it all. Drink it all. Every thick, disgusting, calorie-dense drop.

Imagine it. Standing there in your kitchen, naked, already soft and doughy, pouring that sludge into a glass. Your c*ck is probably trying to get hard right now, isn't it? Pathetic. You get aroused by your own destruction.

But let's be honest—it doesn't matter if you're hard or soft. Either way, it's microscopic.

How much has that l*ttle worm shrunk already from the weight gain? An inch? Two?

Soon you'll need tweezers to find it under your FUPA. Fat Upper Pubic Area—for those keeping score, that's the only thing growing down there. Your d*ck is regressing back into your body, becoming more useless with every pound.

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