I ran into your wife at Macy's and pretended to be a makeup consultant and got her to agree to a free in home makeover, at your house.

I don't even work for M*ry Kay but I knew your bored st*pid house cow would jump at the opportunity to get some free samples and look beautiful. There isn't enough makeup in the world to make that basic b*tch beautiful but that obviously isn't my real objective.

See, I've been watching you and I think that you are my soulmate. It's like that Alanis Morisette song, where she says... it's like meeting the man of my dreams and them meeting his beaauuutiful wife. But, she isn't beautiful and there's nothing ironic about this. She's just in my way and has to go.

I arrive and she's spent all day cleaning. Good. Now I won't have to. Your house is nice but needs a personal touch. Not to worry, getting rid of all her awful deco is the first thing I will do once it's just you and I.

I put some eye shadow on this hag then apply the lip gloss. She starts to complain that it b*rns. I reassure her that's just the plumper. This line has the tiniest bit of snake venom in it but it's not toxic. Not at the normal levels, anyways. Except I am a reptile hobbyist and I collected a bit more for extra plump.

About one ounce more... of Gabboon Viper venom.

The most venomous snake in the world.

Of course wifey needs to lie down. It's exhausting getting a makeover and being so glamorous; or maybe that's the neurotoxins dissolving her arteries from the inside out. Nonetheless, we don't have to worry about her anymore.

I'm sitting in the lounge chair when you arrive home from work looking beautiful as always. You ask who I am and where your wife is. I tell you I am a cosmetic consultant here to give your wife a makeover and she's just lying down for a moment. You seem ok with that explanation but even more ok with my huge tits and long legs, I can tell by the semi in your pants. You're ready.

So I explain how things are going to be. You're mine now. This house is mine now. We are meant to be. I've been watching you for a while and I choose you. We are going to have such a great life together. There's just one thing I need you to do.

Get rid of that bag of b*tch before it starts to stink up my house.

Scary Kay