I love working out. My favorite thing about working out is how strong and muscular I am. Watch as I flex and tell you about my regimen. I do pull downs, 75lbs or more. I squat two plates which is 45 lbs each plus 30 lbs on the b*r. Not on the smith machine! I do real squats, free squats on the rack. I'm a beast.

I do leg presses, two plates on each side, no problem.

And my other favorite thing about working out is my protein kale smoothie I drink each time I get home from the gym. It has raw kale, greek yogurt, blueberries, avocados and pure no high fructose cranberry juice. I throw it in the nutri bullet and it comes out to perfection.

But that still isn't enough protein. I want so much protein, all the protein.

I saw a video about somewhere in Asia people eat crickets and grasshoppers and they are loaded with protein, plus they seem to really enjoy them. I don't have an abundance of pesticide free crickets or grasshoppers but I do have a considerable invasion of tiny men all over my damn house. I'm sure they are also loaded with protein.

So one day after my workout, I grab one. They aren't hard to catch. I see them watching me all the time. Under the couch, the doorways, hiding in the cr*cks by the trim. They look right at me, drop their l*ttle pants and j*rk off.

{shudders}

I've called exterminators before but they thought I was insane. Tiny men they said, yeah ok lady. I explained to them I am a witch and I do a lot of spells against men so this is part of the three fold rule, something I have to endure but I'd still like a free estimate. They usually just hang up.

So I grab one. I toss him in my mouth and bring my strong molars down onto and underneath him with a crunch. Hmm! I don't know what sauteed grasshoppers taste like but raw tiny men are pretty good!

So it has become part of my regimen. I work out, come home, drink my smoothie and sit for about an hour just chomping down on and devouring l*ttle men. There hasn't been any adverse reactions yet and I'm enjoying the protein.

Until today.

Today they decide to take their tiny vengeance on me. I think it's bad enough when my stomach starts to cramp but then it bloats, big... huge... as big as a watermelon.

I strip my shirt off and scream in p*in, grabbing my huge belly. It is then that I feel something wriggling in my bellybutton. OMG they are bursting through me! They're digging their way out through my belly button.

I think I've really overdone it this time. I collapse, overcome by the revenge of the tiny men.

Revenge of the Tiny Men Part 2